ON THE LIGHTER SIDE

The sun is struggling to pierce through a snowy, fog laden sky as I head toward the Big Smoke on the early train. I left the verandah today for my annual trek to compare notes and lies with the province’s grain merchandising community, otherwise known as the Ontario Agribusiness Annual Meeting. These folk are always glad to commiserate with this spin-meister; after all, it’s not everyday they get to talk to someone who actually doesn’t know anything important and yet shows an interest in all they do.

With that said, the train grinds into London and a whole raft of folks climb on. They inspire me to write today’s yarn about how we are connected with this wireless umbilical cord called the cell phone. I use one. Many of you use one and they have become the mainstay of portable communication everywhere. I used it already this morning to check in with one of my progeny to make sure he was coming home for Christmas.

I need not waste too much time on history but the basic telephone was a dream of Alexander Graham Bell. Scotsman that he was, Sandy, upon emigrating to Canada, came up with the idea that voice indeed could travel through a wire. He proved his theory correct when he said over the line, “Come here, Mr. Watson, I need you”. He immediately hung up to let the other parties use the line. But Bell never thought voice could travel without wires. It took another 20 years for an Italian-Canadian to figure out how radio waves could complete the task of wireless communication. Mr. Marconi paved the way for ’The hits just keep on coming.’

Short story long, telephone begat radio, radio begat walkie-talkie… you get the picture. Sandy Bell would not believe how his invention has taken off.

Until recently, I thought frozen Canucks were the world’s greatest talkers but on the news the other day it was reported that cell phone uptake by us has not been as high as in other parts of the world. The main line cell providers apparently want more radio channels to expand their networks and provide better service to more customers. One in five in the Great White North uses the things. I guess the other four still like to talk over copper but that will soon change.

I had the chance over the last few years to see folks in other parts of the world as they jumped into the cell phone age in spades. Seems if you didn’t have the copper grapevine in every home, then cell phones became the no-brainer choice for both customers and providers. This is particularly true in Eastern Europe.

That said; here’s what the landscape looks like today. Instead of being locked inside a phone booth, planted in an office chair or circling your hall table with this wire tethered instrument stuck in your ear, you are now free to talk with something stuck in your ear, without a cord, virtually anywhere. And that leads me to what is wrong with the gadget. It is so portable that you are interrupted in your day to day activities by someone who is standing or sitting near you and is locked in this conversation with this unseen guest.

Went to a take-out the other day with my better 7/8’s and standing there with his daughter was an acquaintance I had not seen in some time. I was ready to give him the big greeting and smile when I saw the thing sticking in his ear. His eyes were glazed over as he was in deep conversation with who knows whom. So I waited until he was done his chat and then our conversation began, only to be interrupted in 30 seconds by another call. Ever notice how those on a cell phone call seem to do a dance like they need to go to the bathroom?

So, I wait again to talk to my buddy. Meantime, keep in mind we are all in this line-up at a sandwich shop. His daughter, who apparently was talking to her girlfriend on her cell phone, stopped her important wireless conversation to order a sandwich for herself and also for her mother who was waiting outside in the family hybrid SUV “Do you wish mustard on this?” asks the sandwich monger. With a puzzled look, the girl whips out the cell phone again and taps a few buttons, then says, “Mom, do you want mustard?” Must have some free minutes somewhere or perhaps a lot of free headspace.

What we seem to be doing is seeking power with this device. It makes us feel secure knowing we can tell someone else a million miles away that we saw this cute boy in the school hall or we nearly caught the big one on our last fishing trip.

Then there are those so skilful they can play with the buttons to send text messages. Beep, beep….,beep! The sound effects are so distracting that I want to grab the thing and fire it in the lake. Don’t get me started...

Well, here we are in Hog Town; time to roll into the convention and count how many stupid ring tones I can hear or how many conversations get interrupted by this contraption. Sure enough, some boys with their toys forget to turn off the noise makers and I have the pleasure of listening to the latest ring tones. Have you heard the latest one? A deep male voice says, “Ring, ring… Ring, Ring….Would you pick up the damned phone!” Wait till that one goes off in church.

Alexander Graham Bell! Look what you started!